Damián Ruiz
If there’s one thing therapeutic experience provides — in my case, over thirty years — it’s the opportunity to observe the vast range of nuances in human beings. In my view, these nuances are what create the diversity of life and make interactions between people far richer.
That’s why I wanted to write an article with such a long title, focused specifically on the male condition.
Let’s start with what is most evident and understandable to everyone: homosexuality, which is sexual attraction to people of the same sex (between 5% and 8% of the Western male population identifies as homosexual or bisexual), is a reality across all societies, cultures, and historical periods. Its visibility depends exclusively on a society’s level of tolerance.
This is a biological minority condition of the human species. There is no need to search for triggering psychological causes. The percentage remains constant throughout history.
But let’s focus on the concept of homo-sexuality. Why? Because not every homosexual person who behaves as such has fully integrated homoaffectivity. What does that mean? In some cases, there is a split between sexual behavior and emotional capacity, such that life may be guided by compulsion without the ability to form stable emotional bonds with another person of the same sex. A percentage of gay men spend their lives seeking new sexual partners without “daring” to establish a genuine romantic relationship.
Homoeroticism, on the other hand, is a condition found among men who develop an erotic bond not necessarily involving sex — it may be limited to affectionate contact and caressing, without engaging in what we might define as strictly sexual acts. This kind of relationship occurs in men who are closer to bisexuality or active heterosexuality but experience erotic attraction to the same sex. Homoeroticism has also been expressed in art not only by homosexual men but also by heterosexual ones, such as the Austrian artist Egon Schiele (1890–1918).
It’s worth mentioning the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG), one of the most comprehensive tools developed to measure sexual orientation, which evaluates how certain dimensions of sexuality shift over time.
As for homoaffectivity, it should ideally be present in all homosexuals who have accepted their identity. But it can also occur between heterosexual men, creating a type of closeness or bond that is non-erotic yet deeply affectionate toward a male companion or friend.
In advanced and liberal societies — as most Western ones have been until now — these realities are relatively common, though often manifesting in intimate and socially less visible ways.
Between 6% and 10% of men, according to certain studies (e.g., A Critical Study of the Homoerotic Experience in Two Latin American Investigations on Male Sex Work, by Porfirio Miguel Hernández Cabrera, Universidad Autónoma de la Ciudad de México), have had homoerotic or homoaffective experiences, without engaging in actual sex and without identifying as gay.
Now let’s move on to homophobia.
I must admit that, as a therapist, when I come across a younger or middle-aged man who viscerally rejects or despises homosexuality, I always become suspicious (and I’m not referring to someone suffering from HOCD). Intense homophobia could, in some cases, be linked to strongly repressed latent homosexuality (Adams, H. E., Wright, L. W., & Lohr, B. A. (1996). Is homophobia associated with homosexual arousal? Journal of Abnormal Psychology). The film American Beauty (Sam Mendes, 1999) is a good illustrative example of such cases.
The homophobe connects masculinity and sexual orientation because they have not yet integrated the idea that a man who is attracted to other men can possess a defined virility and a typically “masculine” profession. Clearly, there are also homosexual or bisexual individuals in the military, professional sports, emergency services, or security, among others — well outside the stereotypes linked to “effeminacy.” Homosexuality can present itself in hundreds of different ways, many of which have nothing to do with sensitivity, aesthetic taste, or effeminate behavior.
Of course, anyone has the right to dislike certain groups, but when the anger is excessive, we must ask ourselves from a psychological point of view: what is being hidden?
Now to the topic of Homosexual Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD).
If you’re constantly doubting whether or not you’re attracted to men, that’s a clear sign that you are not. Why? Because when something cannot take root in your thoughts or emotions, it’s because it doesn’t belong to your genuine interests. We don’t endlessly question things we truly desire or enjoy.
In my practice, when someone comes to therapy with this issue, I always ask the same questions:
- Have you ever had a pleasurable homoerotic dream while sleeping?
- Have you had enjoyable sexual experiences with someone of your own sex?
- Have you ever fallen in love with someone of your own sex?
- For those who test themselves by watching gay porn: did you feel clear arousal — an erection — without touching yourself while watching such scenes? (And I don’t mean the common tingling due to nervousness — that doesn’t count).
If the answer is no to all, or at least three, of those questions — with the first one being a possible exception — then there are no indications of a homosexual tendency, and it is very likely a case of HOCD.
By the same logic, if the answer to at least three of them is yes, then it may be time to start considering a possible attraction to the same sex.
That brings us to ego-dystonic homosexuality or bisexuality, which occurs in people who, despite clear behavioral evidence of same-sex attraction, refuse to acknowledge it. For example, those who would answer “yes” to all the previous questions and still consider themselves fully heterosexual. These individuals face a long path of integration — something they will eventually have to deal with, beyond their homosexuality or bisexuality and how they choose to live with it. No one is obligated to do what they don’t want to do, even for moral reasons, but that’s one thing — self-deception is another.
In the end, each person’s condition should be lived with complete naturalness, without fear, without compulsions, and in an integrated manner.
A man, regardless of age, may live his life as he sees fit based on his values or circumstances, but what he must never do, because the price would be too high, is to lie to himself.
Each person’s identity is full of different variables — ideological, cultural, sexual, moral, emotional, socioeconomic, intellectual, etc. — and all of these must be integrated in a way that generates a satisfying and balanced life. But self-knowledge is key to ensure this path is one of temperance and inner peace.
Human beings are complex and, as I said at the beginning, we are full of nuances. Each of us is dealt a unique set of internal conditions and external circumstances, and with those cards we must learn to “play the game” of life.
In any case, let’s relax. And if someone feels they can’t be themselves because they are not understood or allowed to be, they should not despair — there will always be people and places in the world willing to help.
Whatever each person is must be integrated with dignity and self-respect, and no one should be forced to be anything other than who they truly are.
Heterosexuality is clearly the majority orientation — over 90% of the male population — while homosexuality and bisexuality are clear minorities. Accepting these realities without drama or conflict, personal or social, should be as simple and obvious as understanding the ecosystem of a particular habitat. Often, if the minority does not seek to be the majority, and the majority respects the minority, the system can become harmonious, productive, and culturally elevated.